Thursday, September 22, 2011

How to lose 60 lbs in 40 days

This special weight loss diet is easy because all you have to do is lay around in bed for 5 weeks and then exercise like heck during the last week. Plus, you get to eat as much lemon jello as you want.
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Here's how to do it:
Step 1. Have a relatively simple surgery.
Step 2a. Develop serious complications.
Take ambulance ride to another city for an emergency surgery. Ask if they’ll put on the flashing lights for the hour-long road trip.
Oh, they’re already on.
You’re probably too sick to be excited about all the attention, though.
Step 2b. Have entire large intestine removed.
That's 4 pounds gone that you won't gain back.
Step 3. Spend 2 weeks in the ICU. Remember, you have a breathing tube in your throat, so you will get your fluids from your IV for the first full week.
You are allowed exactly 4 ice chips, so enjoy them while they last.
Step 4. Plan on having about 8 more surgeries, one every other day, so no food after midnight on even numbered days and morphine for dinner on odd numbered days. When you get a break between surgeries, you're on clear liquids only, so you can have more jello and tea and broth until the next midnight deadline.
Yum yum. Don’t you just love jello?
And don’t forget, red food coloring makes your insides red, which is a no-no for intestinal surgery, so you only get lemon jello.
Lots and lots and lots and LOTS of lemon jello.
Step 5. Let the nurses hook you up to a TPN bag so you can get all of your nutrition through your IV instead of by mouth.
Be sure to joke with the nurses about strapping on your “feed bag.”
Step 6.  Slowly add more food to your diet but don't go too fast.
Try drinking Boost. It'll kill your appetite for anything else.
Step 7. By now you have been lying on your back in bed for about 3 weeks or so. You should have lost at least 40 pounds via muscular atrophy alone. Good job. (And don't worry about that huge scar across your back. It may look like you have been hit with a bullwhip, but it was just a sheet wrinkle bedsore, we promise.)
Step 8. By week 4 you should be mostly back to your old diet. Sorry the food is so bland; our diabetic menu is also heart healthy.
Why did you only eat half of your dinner?
It was gross?
Do you want some lemon jello instead?
Step 9. On week 5, you're going to re-learn how to get out of bed, walk, put on your socks, and sit in a chair. It's hard work, but you've got to get those muscles working again. 
To get the most out of your workout, call your physical therapist names and he/she will work you harder.
Feel the burn… and the stabbing pain… and the cramp…
Oh nurse, when can I have more pain pills?
Step 10. If you are losing weight too quickly, grow some facial hair. The weight of a mustache and/or beard should help to offset your rapid weight loss.
By the beginning of week six, you should be near your goal weight.
My goodness, you look thin. Nice job.


  1. Oh, Lord. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry... what a frigging mountain to climb. I'm deciding on "laugh/smile", just because you guys are finally outta there!!!!

  2. Your comment makes me smile, bugjustine! Thanks!

    And so what if he lost 60 lbs, at least he's alive, right?