Saturday, January 30, 2010

Fart Bars

Dear Fiber One,

I have been trying to increase my fiber intake and got bored with broccoli and brussels sprouts. Your cute (psychic?) spokesman with the British accent motivated me to try your chewy granola bars. Like the strange guy in various costumes on your ads, I fell in love with them.

I will stop here for a minute and say that unlike the strange costumed guy in your ads, I understood that suddenly adding 9g of fiber to my body within about 15 minutes could lead to a little discomfort - physical and social... to put it politely. So I restrained myself to eating just one of your very delicious bars per day.

I think it's also notable to tell you that when I bought these bars, I thought it was funny that the coupon that printed out with my grocery receipt was a coupon for Gas-X.

I should have taken it seriously. That coupon was a sign from God.

Every morning at work I have a delicious Oats & Caramel bar as a snack around 9:00am. By 2pm the rumbling starts and by 3pm I can't get any more work done because I'm running to the restroom every 15 minutes and praying that the noise doesn't travel through walls.

Oh, and you did read that right. I have one every morning and suffer the consequences every afternoon. I keep thinking my body will adjust and the noise will quiet down. After all, your advertising slogan is "Cardboard No. Delicious Yes." It doesn't say anything about the mega bass super vibrato symphony from down under.

Besides, I bought the economy size box and I hate wasting food. 

I could, however, leave it out on the snack table at work   ...anonymously

Why isn't there a warning label on this product? Something like "May cause excessive gas" would work just fine, but more accurately it could read "May cause loud abdominal gurgling, inability to concentrate, sphincter strengthening exercises, and a strong desire to isolate oneself from society until the feeling passes. Quite literally."

May I suggest a slight change to your slogan? It should more accurately be:

"Cardboard No. Delicious Yes.   
Oh Good Lord, have I just sharted?"

I regret to inform you that I will not be picking up another box of your scrumptious Fiber One bars. As much as I enjoy eating them, I have decided I really don't like trying not to explode in the office. I'll stick to your high fiber version of Pop Tarts, which taste a little cardboard-y but are a heck of a lot less farty.

PS: My daughter loves your bars but feels the same way I do about the fart-producing qualities. She decided this on her own after scarfing down three bars one morning and spending the rest of the afternoon and night making everyone else miserable.

Trust me on this. We were all miserable. It's winter and we live in a very small home.

...Except the dog, who kept sniffing the air and wagging his tail.
I guess he's the only one who really likes the fart bars.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

The Light Side of the Pullover

The Light Side of the Pullover, originally uploaded by Stéfan.

The picture says it all...

Monday, January 18, 2010

I need new shoes

Skechers USA Women's Step-Up Mary Jane,Black,6.5 EW
My old pair of Sketchers are just about shot. I wear them ALL THE TIME.

Skechers Women's Shape Up-Action Fitness Walking Shoe,Grey/Pink,8 M USHave you tried the new ones that make your butt look good? My butt needs all the help it can get, and I'm sure my feet would appreciate some help too. Ok, they're not dress shoes, but my Nikes are uncomfortable and need to be replaced too. I wonder if they're comfy or if the rocking sole is like wearing a pair of chunky Steve Madden loafers.
(*Gasp!* An Oregonian is eschewing her Nikes for another brand?? Don't tell anyone, 'k?)

Frank wears Sketchers in the kitchen. He has for years. I wonder if they make a shape up style with non-slip soles?

If you're a little weirded out that all of a sudden I'm blogging about shoes, so am I. But our aching feet tell us it's shoe time.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Oh phooey ...and Sorry!

Today I noticed that a lot of my buttons are disabled because of a situation with my Photobucket account.

Using Photobucket always gives me a headache and I'm not in the mood to grind my teeth and raise my blood pressure, so instead of fixing the problem with Photobucket, I'm going to have to take a little time and revamp how I make the pictures available to be used as buttons.

Thanks in advance for your patience and I'll get it fixed as soon as I can get to it. I have several other projects to take care of first.

Meanwhile, if you have any tips on how to either extend days to 36 hours instead of 24, or want to be my sugar daddy so I can quit my day job and fiddle with computer-y things all day long, please comment below.

PS: I guess the fix was easier than I thought. I just had to log in to my Photobucket account. I am still going to find a better way to host my images, though.

PPS: If you're still thinking of a way to extend the day or you are considering becoming my sugar daddy, those invitations are still open. Please comment below with your offer.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Four Letter Band Names

The other day Rachel and I were looking through CDs at the local Freddy's when we realized there are a lot of band/artist names that are just four letter words.
(The word "The" doesn't count.)

As we drove home we tried to think of all the music artists with a four-letter word as their name.

Can you think of any more to add to this list? I asked a lot of my friends and they helped to compile this list:
  1. Abba
  2. Rush
  3. Korn
  4. Fixx
  5. Inxs
  6. Cars
  7. Enya
  8. Devo
  9. Styx
  10. Moby
  11. Seal
  12. Dido
  13. Beck
  14. Kiss
  15. UB40
  16. ACDC
  17. Yani
  18. NOFX
  19. Doom
  20. Pras
  21. Yo-yo
  22. Ween
  23. Z-man
  24. Ne-Yo
  25. Cake
  26. RJD2
  27. Bun B
  28. EPMD
  29. Cher
  30. Mims
  31. Lons

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Adopt me please

Frank's plea on a napkin

After wandering around the Portland RV Show a few weeks ago, we stopped at a nearby Denny's for supper. We were seated at our booth minutes after a table of 15 arrived. We were handed menus, followed by water and coffee. And some half-n-half for my coffee.

We placed our orders and waited. Our waiter brought us a pot of coffee and apologized in advance for the wait - 15 orders ahead of ours in an already busy kitchen.

Being restaurant-y people, we understood. We drank more coffee and I ran out of half-n-half, so I wrote this on a napkin and pointed it at the empty containers, hoping to catch someone as they hurried past our booth.

Rachel and I were giddy and silly, as usual, and as soon as the half-n-half arrived, Frank wrote out this plea on the napkin:
"Adopt me please"

Rachel immediately used my napkin to formalize the deal...

Our waiter stopped by a minute later, saw us snickering, read the note, smiled, then said
"I don't think my dog would like it if I brought home a mutant turtle. Sorry. Good luck, though."

We tucked a 20% tip under the coffee carafe as we left for the night.