Saturday, January 30, 2010

Fart Bars

Dear Fiber One,

I have been trying to increase my fiber intake and got bored with broccoli and brussels sprouts. Your cute (psychic?) spokesman with the British accent motivated me to try your chewy granola bars. Like the strange guy in various costumes on your ads, I fell in love with them.

I will stop here for a minute and say that unlike the strange costumed guy in your ads, I understood that suddenly adding 9g of fiber to my body within about 15 minutes could lead to a little discomfort - physical and social... to put it politely. So I restrained myself to eating just one of your very delicious bars per day.

I think it's also notable to tell you that when I bought these bars, I thought it was funny that the coupon that printed out with my grocery receipt was a coupon for Gas-X.

I should have taken it seriously. That coupon was a sign from God.

Every morning at work I have a delicious Oats & Caramel bar as a snack around 9:00am. By 2pm the rumbling starts and by 3pm I can't get any more work done because I'm running to the restroom every 15 minutes and praying that the noise doesn't travel through walls.

Oh, and you did read that right. I have one every morning and suffer the consequences every afternoon. I keep thinking my body will adjust and the noise will quiet down. After all, your advertising slogan is "Cardboard No. Delicious Yes." It doesn't say anything about the mega bass super vibrato symphony from down under.

Besides, I bought the economy size box and I hate wasting food. 

I could, however, leave it out on the snack table at work   ...anonymously

Why isn't there a warning label on this product? Something like "May cause excessive gas" would work just fine, but more accurately it could read "May cause loud abdominal gurgling, inability to concentrate, sphincter strengthening exercises, and a strong desire to isolate oneself from society until the feeling passes. Quite literally."

May I suggest a slight change to your slogan? It should more accurately be:

"Cardboard No. Delicious Yes.   
Oh Good Lord, have I just sharted?"

I regret to inform you that I will not be picking up another box of your scrumptious Fiber One bars. As much as I enjoy eating them, I have decided I really don't like trying not to explode in the office. I'll stick to your high fiber version of Pop Tarts, which taste a little cardboard-y but are a heck of a lot less farty.

PS: My daughter loves your bars but feels the same way I do about the fart-producing qualities. She decided this on her own after scarfing down three bars one morning and spending the rest of the afternoon and night making everyone else miserable.

Trust me on this. We were all miserable. It's winter and we live in a very small home.

...Except the dog, who kept sniffing the air and wagging his tail.
I guess he's the only one who really likes the fart bars.


  1. ROFL!!!! I wholeheartedly agree! I have been eating them too, for breakfast, because they keep me full until lunch. But, it's just not worth the sacrifice any more. Or the pain! Thank you for putting this into words- You have read my mind.

    And by the way, I found it took several days of not eating them to get back to "normal."

  2. See? I knew I wasn't the only one suffering in painfully stifled silence! I was afraid to post this but then thought, oh what the heck.

  3. I am glad you did! A girl at school calls them the fart bars and she only eats them at the end of the day!